Just Saying It Out Loud

I’ve been watching you from a safe distance, across a strait, on another island. I can only read about you in things that don’t really exist — at least not physically. But who am I to demand or even think about more than that? I have betrayed what we have built for the past two years. I blame myself for that.

There, I said it. At least I’m being square to myself.

Yes, I am in love with you. Why, you ask? Beats the shit out of me. But I guess the moment I start wanting you is the moment I have to throw myself out of a dream. Get real! Life ain’t that good. That’s the ugly truth.

Now I’m off to pursue my dreams — my other dreams. My dreams that do not involve actual human beings. Dreams that can be bought or engineered. Dreams that can be perceived and planned and executed systematically. You were — and still are — none of those. You are spontaneous, unpredictable, indecipherable. You are not something, you are someone. That concept was not within the grasp of my logic, it never was, and I honestly don’t think it ever will be.

Isn’t it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes?


Medley of The Night

just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
erase all the pain ’till it’s gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
somewhere I belong

[Linkin Park – Somewhere I Belong]

I tried so hard, and got so far
but in the end it doesn’t even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
but in the end it doesn’t even matter

[Linkin Park – In The End]

for what is a man? what has he got?
if not himself – then he has naught
to say the things he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels
the record shows I took the blows
and did it my way

[Frank Sinatra – My Way]


tonight saw a parade of songs that for the rest of the world might seem unimportant or insignificant. but I found three that struck something in me. it was the three songs above, in chronological order, and — amazingly enough — they seemed to portray the chronological order of what truly happened: want – try – fail – fall down – get up and get going.

people come and go and try and fail and succeed and… well, the world just keeps spinning no matter what lousy hole you’re stuck in. I guess I should be thankful that time and space and everyday itinerary saves me a lot of energy and helps me stabilize myself.

my favorite part? here goes:
the record shows I took the blows and did it my way

for the record: no regrets, I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I have every confidence that whatever will be thrown at me next will not be something I cannot handle.

arrogant? well, we need to be to survive. that’s the name of the game.

Off The Grid

Those who are victims of the Facebook fever and read my status, it says I’m “off the grid”. Well, this isn’t exactly “off the grid”, but since not many people read this blog, I figured I still have the right to spill out what’s in my mind (and my heart, most likely) for the past few days.

I’m trying to step back from the cyberworld for a while. And I’m not doing this for me, I’m trying to step back to give some space for the person I think I bug most on the virtual world. I dunno, maybe I’m just being oversensitive about things, or maybe not. Maybe she does get irritated just by seeing me online on Yahoo!Messenger. Maybe she does get really tired of the “hello, how’s the day” bullshit I send her every single day.

Well, I don’t really know, but if you’re reading this blog, you can sleep sound tonight. Because I’m gonna quit all that bullshit. I’m just gonna be invisible to you. Well, maybe not always invisible, but I wont say hello or whatever. I’ll just let you talk to me first when you need to. If not, well, silence is gold…

Just so you know, I know it sounds so lame when I say “good luck” or other stuff like that, but I mean it. You mean a lot to me, and I wished I could “do” more than I “say”…

Busy Busy Busy…


Thanks for the message you sent me this morning.
Thanks for the warm welcome everytime we meet in cyberspace.

Even though honestly I wanted more, but thanks 🙂

You were just talking about how hectic your life was (or still is, at the moment). I wish I could do something about it, to untangle your life’s threads. But I feel like I don’t know anything about your world. I feel so useless! I know it’s a bit too much if I wanted to be more involved in your everyday life. We’re physically 60 km apart each day, and being online everyday isn’t going to make your life any easier. But…can’t I take a deeper look at your routines? Can’t I at least try to understand how hard it is being you? I really appreciate it when you dig up a few minutes out of your pile of itinerary, just to welcome me, make me a cup of coffee, and joke around with your little brother and sister. I really do. But I wish I could do more than just sit around and watch you work, or worse, imagine you work…

This heart of mine is just about to burst. But I’ll just have to keep it together, for you…

Damn, I miss you!

Stupid or Idiot


It’s been a while. Well, I thought you were busy and everything. You had your dream job and your dream boy, so I thought I’d just step aside…

But then it all happened. Honestly, I really didn’t know how to react. A part of me hurt because I knew you’re hurting. But another part of me actually thought I might have another chance. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t really know, but if it does I wish it would stop…

Just now you sent a message to me saying how you missed him. I know I should have had empathy for you, but the moment I read your message I felt like someone just stabbed me. I’m sorry. I’m just…broken.

Every time you call me “bro”, it just stings. It’s like a fence you put around yourself so that I don’t go any closer. But maybe it’s the right thing for you to do, because when all of my heart wants to show itself, I won’t be able to hold back.

All this time you were saying how stupid you are when you decided to wait for him. Well then, I guess I’m an idiot.

If only you knew how I really felt about you…

Hello, My Friend


This song reminds me of you…

Dakara ima ai ni yuku
So now I’ll come to you
Sou kimetanda
I’ve made up my mind
POKETTO no kono kyoku wo
The song in my pocket
Kimi ni kikasetai
I’ll sing it to you 

Sotto VORYUUMU wo agete
I quietly turned up the volume
Tashikamete mita yo
Just to make sure 

oh Goodbye days ima
Oh Goodbye Days
Kawaru ki ga suru
I think things are changing now
Kinou made ni so long
until yesterday so long
Kakkoyoku nai yasashi sa ga soba ni aru kara ~with you
I’m recklessly kind when I’m with you

Katahou no IYAFON wo kimi ni watasu
I passed the earphone to you
Yukkuri to nagarekomu kono shunkan
That moment, the song poured slowly 

Umaku aisete imasu ka?
I’m loving you, am I right?
Tama ni mayou kedo
Although I get confused sometimes 

oh Goodbye days ima
Oh Goodbye Days
Kawari hajimeta
Now that it starts to change
Mune no oku alright
My heart’s inner self, it’s alright
Kakkoyoku nai yasashi sa ga soba ni aru kara ~with you
I’m so recklessly kind when I’m with you 

Dekireba kanashii omoi nante shitaku nai
I don’t want to have sad thoughts
Demo yatte kuru desho?
But If I can’t help it when they really come, right?
Sono toki egao de
If that time comes,
Yeah hello!! my friend nante sa
“Yeah, Hello My friend. I hope I can call you sometimes”
Ieta nara ii no ni…
I’ll smile and say it 

Onaji uta wo kuchizusamu toki
When I sing the same song with you
Soba ni ite I wish
By my side, I wish
Kakkoyoku nai yasashi sa ni
I found that reckless kindness
Aete yokatta yo
Because of that, I’m glad 

…Goodbye days
Goodbye days… 

YUI – Goodbye Days
 “Yeah, Hello My friend. I hope I can call you sometimes”


A few days ago I had a chat with a good friend. About her, about me, about the people we care about. I don’t when we became so honest with each other, but I’m glad we did. Because there’s that one sentence she said that opened my eyes wide open:

You’re fragile.

I now realize how fragile I am, and how I’ve been covering it up with fake smiles and false sincerities. I’ve been doing this and that and expecting people to understand how I feel, but even I didn’t understand how I really felt. I wasn’t totally honest with myself. And I was definitely not being honest with the person I care about most. I’ve been too scared to veer off the sidewalk and face whatever it is I must face. I was scared that I would get hurt. I was hiding.

Well, life is full of those little surprises that sometimes just stabs you right in your heart. We have to live with that, or we don’t live at all.

And what about her? Well, she is honest with herself and with the world. And she still has her chin up, boldly facing the world that is far from what she wants it to be.

Thank you, my friend, for making me realize what I truly feel.