Those who are victims of the Facebook fever and read my status, it says I’m “off the grid”. Well, this isn’t exactly “off the grid”, but since not many people read this blog, I figured I still have the right to spill out what’s in my mind (and my heart, most likely) for the past few days.

I’m trying to step back from the cyberworld for a while. And I’m not doing this for me, I’m trying to step back to give some space for the person I think I bug most on the virtual world. I dunno, maybe I’m just being oversensitive about things, or maybe not. Maybe she does get irritated just by seeing me online on Yahoo!Messenger. Maybe she does get really tired of the “hello, how’s the day” bullshit I send her every single day.

Well, I don’t really know, but if you’re reading this blog, you can sleep sound tonight. Because I’m gonna quit all that bullshit. I’m just gonna be invisible to you. Well, maybe not always invisible, but I wont say hello or whatever. I’ll just let you talk to me first when you need to. If not, well, silence is gold…

Just so you know, I know it sounds so lame when I say “good luck” or other stuff like that, but I mean it. You mean a lot to me, and I wished I could “do” more than I “say”…

Hey…

Just now you sent me an email. You’ve written down all of your feelings. So honest, so simple. Lucky him who owns your heart. I immediately wanted to give you a hug. I know it won’t be enough, I know I’m not the one you want. But hey, I wanted to give it to you anyway. And I just wanted to stay by your side, each and every step. I’m not making sure you get out of this mess unhurt. I’m here so that I can experience it with you. Because that’s where I want to be: at your side.

That’s my present for you: my presence

Hey…

Thanks for the message you sent me this morning.
Thanks for the warm welcome everytime we meet in cyberspace.

Even though honestly I wanted more, but thanks

You were just talking about how hectic your life was (or still is, at the moment). I wish I could do something about it, to untangle your life’s threads. But I feel like I don’t know anything about your world. I feel so useless! I know it’s a bit too much if I wanted to be more involved in your everyday life. We’re physically 60 km apart each day, and being online everyday isn’t going to make your life any easier. But…can’t I take a deeper look at your routines? Can’t I at least try to understand how hard it is being you? I really appreciate it when you dig up a few minutes out of your pile of itinerary, just to welcome me, make me a cup of coffee, and joke around with your little brother and sister. I really do. But I wish I could do more than just sit around and watch you work, or worse, imagine you work…

This heart of mine is just about to burst. But I’ll just have to keep it together, for you…

Damn, I miss you!

karna kamu so lovable, buat aku…

Hey…

Just a few days ago you asked me, “am I so unloveable that he can’t stay in love with me?”

Stupid question.

If you’re that unloveable, then what the heck am I doing here waiting for you and making a complete fool out of myself in front of you every once in a while?

Let me try that tune again, this time in full English…

‘Cause you’re just so lovable, I can’t help it…
‘Cause you’re just so lovable, I can’t stop it…

Adit and The Coffee Theory… hahaha…

There’s a whole lot more of me you’ve never seen before, and there’s a whole lot of love for you hidden inside of me. Damn, you’re so lovable…

PS: The correct spelling according to www.dictionary.com is “lovable”, not “loveable”

Hey…

It’s been a while. Well, I thought you were busy and everything. You had your dream job and your dream boy, so I thought I’d just step aside…

But then it all happened. Honestly, I really didn’t know how to react. A part of me hurt because I knew you’re hurting. But another part of me actually thought I might have another chance. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t really know, but if it does I wish it would stop…

Just now you sent a message to me saying how you missed him. I know I should have had empathy for you, but the moment I read your message I felt like someone just stabbed me. I’m sorry. I’m just…broken.

Every time you call me “bro”, it just stings. It’s like a fence you put around yourself so that I don’t go any closer. But maybe it’s the right thing for you to do, because when all of my heart wants to show itself, I won’t be able to hold back.

All this time you were saying how stupid you are when you decided to wait for him. Well then, I guess I’m an idiot.

If only you knew how I really felt about you…

Hey…

This song reminds me of you…

Dakara ima ai ni yuku
So now I’ll come to you
Sou kimetanda
I’ve made up my mind
POKETTO no kono kyoku wo
The song in my pocket
Kimi ni kikasetai
I’ll sing it to you 

Sotto VORYUUMU wo agete
I quietly turned up the volume
Tashikamete mita yo
Just to make sure 

oh Goodbye days ima
Oh Goodbye Days
Kawaru ki ga suru
I think things are changing now
Kinou made ni so long
until yesterday so long
Kakkoyoku nai yasashi sa ga soba ni aru kara ~with you
I’m recklessly kind when I’m with you

Katahou no IYAFON wo kimi ni watasu
I passed the earphone to you
Yukkuri to nagarekomu kono shunkan
That moment, the song poured slowly 

Umaku aisete imasu ka?
I’m loving you, am I right?
Tama ni mayou kedo
Although I get confused sometimes 

oh Goodbye days ima
Oh Goodbye Days
Kawari hajimeta
Now that it starts to change
Mune no oku alright
My heart’s inner self, it’s alright
Kakkoyoku nai yasashi sa ga soba ni aru kara ~with you
I’m so recklessly kind when I’m with you 

Dekireba kanashii omoi nante shitaku nai
I don’t want to have sad thoughts
Demo yatte kuru desho?
But If I can’t help it when they really come, right?
Sono toki egao de
If that time comes,
Yeah hello!! my friend nante sa
“Yeah, Hello My friend. I hope I can call you sometimes”
Ieta nara ii no ni…
I’ll smile and say it 

Onaji uta wo kuchizusamu toki
When I sing the same song with you
Soba ni ite I wish
By my side, I wish
Kakkoyoku nai yasashi sa ni
I found that reckless kindness
Aete yokatta yo
Because of that, I’m glad 

…Goodbye days
Goodbye days… 

YUI – Goodbye Days
 “Yeah, Hello My friend. I hope I can call you sometimes”

Hey…

I was just wondering how we’ll be when there’s no more room for complications, when all that’s left is certainty and boundaries. Honestly, I don’t want to imagine how it’ll be if things keep going the way they are…

I feel like I’m losing you. But… I never did have you, didn’t I? So, how can I lose something I don’t have?

You’re cool and smart, attractive and wonderful… and you don’t even have to try!

So… I wonder… how all of this mess is going end… how the finale of this tale will be…

I hope I won’t make the same mistakes…

Hey…

Congratulations!
You finally did it, you finally got what you want.
Everything you fought for finally paid off.

I wanted it to be me so bad…
I wanted you so bad…
And now, even though you’re  still there, I feel like you’re gone already…

I want you for myself, only for myself!
I’m sorry, I’m selfish, I know.
But this is what I truly feel.

But then… I’ll just have to face you, chin up…
With a heart that’s on the verge of exploding.
I have to.

Because I’m a part-time lover,
and a full-time friend

A few days ago I had a chat with a good friend. About her, about me, about the people we care about. I don’t when we became so honest with each other, but I’m glad we did. Because there’s that one sentence she said that opened my eyes wide open:

You’re fragile.

I now realize how fragile I am, and how I’ve been covering it up with fake smiles and false sincerities. I’ve been doing this and that and expecting people to understand how I feel, but even I didn’t understand how I really felt. I wasn’t totally honest with myself. And I was definitely not being honest with the person I care about most. I’ve been too scared to veer off the sidewalk and face whatever it is I must face. I was scared that I would get hurt. I was hiding.

Well, life is full of those little surprises that sometimes just stabs you right in your heart. We have to live with that, or we don’t live at all.

And what about her? Well, she is honest with herself and with the world. And she still has her chin up, boldly facing the world that is far from what she wants it to be.

Thank you, my friend, for making me realize what I truly feel.

he chose to stay in the shadow of an eclipse…
when he needed a reason to not see the sun
for he was blinded by its light,
that he couldn’t see any other light coming through

he chose to stay in the shadow of an eclipse…
when he knew he had a reason to walk away
for he needed the sun’s light and warmth
and the more he felt it the more he needed it

he chose to stay in the shadow of an eclipse…
when he needed to preserve himself
for there is something he saw in the sun
it might kill him, but he wanted it to be true

and the sun will always shine brilliantly…
brighter than ever…

but he needed to not see the sun…