Dinner @ 7

Yup, last night I had a dinner with a new friend. Actually, we’ve only met three times, including last night. But I was getting more and more interested. We talked about a lot of things and I found out a whole lot about her, her life, and her family. She’s quite a unique person, and I’m looking forward to knowing more. I really hope this is the last time I have to risk a heart wound, but it all comes back to God…

First Week

My first week was all messy. Here we go…

Day 1
I was 10 minutes late. I didn’t write my time on my attendance sheet. My first assignment was learning about JAVA and every other little things that my team uses for their project. I was assigned to a rather large project. Assignees included one Systems Analyst and two Programmers (me included). The other two analysts and about 3 or 4 programmers were assigned to a larger project. Day one was all about learning: the procedures, the flow, the standards.

Day 2
Being 5 to 10 minutes is already common. No harm done. I spent the first half of the day trying this and that, mostly digging in on the interface’s coding. The second half was a disaster. My PC broke down and restarted four times in a row. I confiscated my friend’s MacBook and found immediately that it was not prepped for development. So much for a second day at work…

Day 3
By the third day, things were getting on track again. I learned a whole lot of new stuff. The framework, the systems, the IDE. But progress was sluggish. I didn’t know where to find what, and I kept bugging my fellow programmer. I could tell that he was really frustrated by his deadline, and the fact that he’s a single fighter in the project held me back when I wanted to ask him for help.

Day 4
Thursday was a relatively slow day. I learned the code piece-by-piece and soon figured out that the framework itself is still so messy. I still had a hard time finding what I needed, and googling was my best escape. This was the day that I did my first commit to the server. Nothing big really, just a few minor interface fixes, a new controller and listener, and some other stuff not worth mentioning.

Day 5
As the interface came together, I totally shifted my attention to the logic. I struggled to find pieces of code that were responsible for fetching data, processing, and then displaying them. I found out that just to add a single query to the framework, I needed to edit at least 4 to 5 class files. But I forced myself to get used to it. I’m gonna be here for a long time…

Day 6
The mood was changing as I approached a long weekend with new hopes. But I was still overwhelmed with the wealth of things that I needed to understand before I start making real progress. My boss already stuffed a deadline on me, and I had to finish my screen by next Tuesday. I guess he expected me to work at home, but I’m not going to. Home is for fun, not work. I’ll just see what happens next…

Dive into Java!

Yesterday was a rare moment for me and my friends at campus, as so many of us from out of town came home to one of our friend’s wedding. Everybody was asking about where I’m going and what I’m going to do, and each time I answered they would tell me how lucky I am.

One of my best friends told me once that choosing a career path is one of the three biggest decisions that a person has to make (FYI, the other two are choosing your faith and choosing your spouse). I decided to apply for this job because I wasn’t aiming to be rich. I aimed to stay close to my hometown and my family. Not because then I could beg and whine every time I got into something I can’t handle, but because the fact that my entire extended family is already some place else is bugging me.

Well then, this job is a perfect one for me (for now, I haven’t really done it yet). It’s close to home (about 50 minutes away by train), it’s something I like to do (I’m an ISTJ — check my personality profile — and ISTJs are supposed to be programmers), and it pays good money (I’m sorry, but I’m not disclosing my first pay). Furthermore, I have 4 friends that are already there, and they will surely be a great help to me — not professionally, but as campus friends when we’re having lunch together or hanging around after hours.

Tomorrow (yes, tomorrow!) I will officially be a Java programmer. This is something I have never done before. I know Javascript, but not Java itself. I know Macromedia Dreamweaver for editing all sorts of web-related source codes, but I haven’t had time to explore Java IDE itself: NetBeans. However, I have every confidence in myself that I will be able to learn.

Well, my vacation ends today, and tomorrow I’m off to a whole new adventure! Yippie kai ye!

Crisis of Confidence

These past few days I’ve been having a crisis of confidence. I don’t really know what struck me, but I’ve been making so many silly mistakes that I normally wouldn’t do. I stutter, I tremble, and I get really anxious. I unconsciously spend most of my brain’s capability thinking about the same thing all day. I become really childish that I sometimes resent myself. This is not me. This is definitely not me!

My buddy Condro has first-hand experience on my behavior. He’s the one that I kept dragging here and there asking ridiculously silly questions over and over again. I kept forcing him to discuss things that I normally wouldn’t lay a finger on. This is really stupid, and I’m dragging my pal into this stupidity act.

It’s not about my new job. It’s not about my graduation ceremony. It’s not about something, it’s about someone. I know this for a fact. But I haven’t been feeling this way for a very long time. I’m a nervous wreck! It has been a very long time since someone managed to make an idiot out of me without doing a single thing. It’s killing me!

Dear Lord, please help me. I know what I’m dealing with, but I don’t really know how best to deal with it. If this is the path You have set for me, then I trust You will show me how to walk it. But please, let me in on some more clues. What should I do next? How do I deal with this amazing feeling?
I am really clueless… Please give me some peace of mind and heart…

Congrats on The Wedding

I spent July’s last weekend in Jakarta, attending my cousin’s wedding. It was one of those rare moments when you get to see your entire extended family, all in one place. We even spent two nights under the same roof, a total of about 15 people, excluding my dad’s oldest brother’s family.

My grandpa has a total of 5 children. My dad’s right in the middle, number 3. Here’s the roster: Pakdhe Untung, Budhe Nurasih, Pakde Pri, Budhe Yayuk, Mas Danis, Mas Akso, Mbak Prima, my dad, my mom, me, Kike (my sister), Uncle Ralph, Tante Utami, Anna, Dini, Tante Dani, Icis, Ika, Riza. That’s a total of 19 people. Relatively small to my mom’s side of the family (third generation alone, including me, totaling a whopping 27 people — approximately, I was never geeky enough to really do the counting), but hey, it’s a crowd already.

One thing that my grandpa keeps saying over and over again:

I must be the most blessed human being alive. I get to see all of my children and grandchildren together, all in one place. It is a blessing not every man gets, and for that I truly thank the Lord.

This is indeed a blessing. The wedding itself is a blessing, and a splendid one. But the family gathering — it’s just not something we get to do every now and then.

Here’s the most complete picture Tante Dani sent me. Unfortunately, Icis, Ika’s twin sister, is missing. She had to go to another wedding before we got a chance to take a picture with her…

My entire extended family from my dad's side at Ika's wedding

Congrats Ika on your wedding!

Selamat Ulang Tahun, Kerti

sudah lewat masa itu
sudah terlampaui tempat itu
sudah terucapkan kata-kata itu
sudah terlalui kebersamaan itu

sudah usai kah?

tidak! aku tidak mau mengakhirinya!
kembalikan padaku semuanya!

biarlah sekali ini hatiku menjerit
lepaskan aku, biarkanlah aku berontak!
bukalah pasung hatiku! aku ingin berteriak!

pilihanku bukanlah keinginanku
tapi aku tidak kau perbolehkan memilih keinginanku
karena aku tahu kau akan lari ketika aku mengatakannya
itukah yang pantas aku terima?
mengapa! mengapa kau seperti itu?
mengapa kau boleh dan aku tidak boleh?
apa bedanya kau dan aku?

kau memaksanya menghadapimu
tapi kau tidak mau menghadapiku

tanyaku: adilkah?
tapi aku sudah tau jawabnya
tidak ada yang adil
keadilanmu adalah untukmu, bukan untukku

baiklah, silakan kau bangun dindingmu setebal mungkin, setinggi mungkin
aku tidak akan menerobos, bahkan melihatnya pun aku enggan

sudah selesai semua
selamat ulang tahun, kerti…

The Big Day

The fourth of July has always been celebrated in the U.S. for over 200 years now. It’s their independence day. With festivities all over the country, it’s something anyone could enjoy. I used to enjoy eating nachos on paper plates and sipping a big glass of coke while admiring the excellent fireworks in a park in Lubbock. Those were good memories. I was even on flag duty back then. And then came the movie “Independence Day”, one that exposes the fourth of July and promotes it to be the independence day of not only the United States, but the whole world. A typical American action movie.

But then, the fourth of July has also been celebrated quite a few times in my own family. It’s the wedding anniversary of my parents. We usually go out as a family, trying to find a quiet spot to dine and enjoy the evening together. What makes me really look up to my parents is how they took care of each other for these 25 years. There were fights, of course, but no marriage would be exciting without them. But they are still together, still loving each other, and that’s what really matters.

This fourth of July will be one of those days I hope to be memorable. It’s the day of my undergraduate final exam. It would be splendid if I could pass on the same day as my parents’ 25th anniversary.

By the time I’m finished writing this, it will be exactly 4 days to my exam. I have had lots of help from my two teachers — the ones who guided me on my thesis. We had spent many hours together discussing the tidbits of my thesis, and today both of them supported me with their kind words. Sometimes I think this is too easy, as I’ve heard numerous stories on how teachers are often harsh on their students. Well, I never did know what God has up His sleeve for me. All I know is that it must be good for me.

And so I’ll try to spend the next few days carefully: memorizing everything that must be said during the presentation, reading books listed on my bibliography and also my own thesis over and over again, and trying to get some good night sleep before the day advances. I’ve written everything that must be written, printed every page that needed to be printed, took notes of everything that I need to remember, checked and re-checked my laptop and its backup PCs almost every day, and tried to pass any remaining time watching feature movies at night.

The wait is boring, and it’s killing me…

Damai

Ketika orang lain berbuat sesuatu yang membuat kita sakit hati, kecewa, merasa dikhianati, kita cenderung buta terhadap apapun selain perasaan dan emosi kita sendiri. Kita sering lupa bahwa kita pun kemungkinan besar punya andil dalam menciptakan situasi yang semakin lama semakin tidak enak. Pikiran kita dipenuhi oleh penghayatan kita akan perasaan diri, yang akhirnya membuat kejengkelan itu semakin menumpuk.

Beberapa hari yang lalu aku sempat benar-benar merasa sakit hati karena sesuatu yang dilakukan seseorang terhadapku. Aku merasa dikhianati dan perasaanku diabaikan, aku merasa dibuang setelah tidak lagi dibutuhkan. Aku merasa bahwa aku ini manusia paling sial di seluruh muka bumi. Apalagi karena si pelaku ini adalah sahabatku sendiri, orang yang aku beri kepercayaan 100%, orang yang tahu hal-hal paling pribadi tentangku melebihi siapapun juga.

Tapi setelah beberapa hari menenangkan diri, aku sadar bahwa akupun manusia. Aku juga bisa salah seperti dia, dan memang waktu itu aku pun salah. Lalu apa gunanya memikirkan kesalahan yang (aku pikir) dia perbuat? Bukankah lebih baik memfokuskan diri pada rekonsiliasi dan pendamaian diri? Setelah itu tercapai, suasana hati akan jauh lebih baik dan menapaki hidup akan terasa jauh lebih ringan.

Lalu aku pun memutuskan bahwa aku akan memaafkan dia, dan yang lebih penting, memaafkan diriku sendiri. Aku sungguh berharap kami akan bisa bertemu lagi dalam sukacita, berbagi canda tawa seperti yang pernah kami lakukan. Tapi aku tidak akan memaksa; aku akan memberi ruang seluas mungkin. Mungkin kami tidak akan bisa pulih seperti sediakala, dan kalaupun dia tidak datang kembali padaku, aku harus legawa. Dan ketika suatu saat nanti dia memutuskan untuk menemuiku lagi, aku akan bisa memperlihatkan senyum yang tulus dan berkata, “Senang bertemu kamu lagi”.

Trims Mbak Ilma, yang tanpa disadarinya telah menginspirasiku lewat tulisannya di sini, di sini, di sini, dan di sini.

Trims Mbak Elis, yang selalu mempercayaiku walau bagaimanapun keadaanku.

Btw, barusan aku lihat-lihat blogroll Mbak Ilma, dan aku kaget sendiri melihat namaku di situ. Aku tidak menyangka akan menemukan namaku di situ; melihat namaku dalam daftar itu membuatku tersenyum lebar. Trims lagi Mbak Ilma

Tersindir!

Ketika iseng-iseng berkunjung ke sini, aku membaca…

“Ingat, Nduk.. Hanya yang merasa memiliki yang bakal merasa kehilangan..”

Demikian frase yang langsung membuatku terdiam. Sungguh amat sangat benar sekali! Berarti selama berminggu-minggu ini aku merasa kehilangan sesuatu, karena aku sudah merasakan memiliki sesuatu. Berarti, salahku sendiri! Karena kenyataannya aku nggak pernah memiliki. Aku hanya ingin memiliki, berkhayal memiliki, dan akhirnya berasa memiliki. Padahal yang *ingin* kumiliki itu bukanlah barang, tapi manusia!

Selama ini, aku meremehkan hal-hal yang terjadi di antara kami. Perjalanan-perjalanan itu, guyonan-guyonan itu, bahkan air mata itu juga, aku menganggapnya hal yang mudah. Tidak perlu diusahakan, tidak perlu bersusah payah memikirkan ini-itu, menjaga perasaan, dan sebagainya dan sebagainya. Dan aku terlena, aku menganggap semua mudah. Aku menjadi egois. Aku lupa bahwa aku pun harus punya peran untuk mempertahankan hal-hal yang *ingin* aku miliki.

Berarti, sudah saatnya untuk melepaskan. Mungkin untuk sementara, mungkin untuk selamanya, entahlah. Tapi itulah yang harus dilakukan.

Maaf

Aku tau aku pun salah. Ketika tidak sepatah kata pun terucap olehku, aku membuatmu bingung. Ketika aku hanya diam, kamu pun tidak tau harus berbuat apa. Aku harus belajar lebih jelas mengungkapkan maksudku, memahami diriku sendiri supaya kamu pun bisa memahamiku.

Aku menyesal dan kini aku bertanya, maukah kamu memaafkanku? Maukah kamu memberiku kesempatan untuk memperbaiki diri? Aku tidak berjanji aku bisa, tapi aku berjanji akan berusaha, demi “kita” yang dulu, “kita” yang kurindukan.